what to do?

spring break is near its end and all i know is that I've been enjoying every single day of my holiday. it was fun :)

   Sekarang ini lagi sedih, I don't know but the feelings smuanya kumpul jadi satu dan sekarang perasaannya lagi kacau bngt. I dunno, it feels so sudden. I hate. Hate. Hate this feeling. Kemarin ini pas mau ke LA-Vegas sebenarnya i'm not allowed to go there because my mom bilang i need to get my job requirements and everything done first, mesti settled everything up dulu, and honestly, bahkan online formnya blom di kirim ke ISP. Gimana mau schedule-nya coba?? when I know that everybody's going and im not allowed to, i believe if i told my mom about the case she would pity me and just let me go, but i just cant force myself to let her do it, cause i know the real thing is she doesnt want me to go there. Mami sama Papi dari dulu slalu turutin everything yang i want. even if they cant afford it they always try to make it work for me, supaya i could be happy.

   Since i was a kid i realised how different i was from my sister. she who's more of a manja-type-of-girl (but i envy her for it), berani say things she wants to say, say NO to things she doesnt want to do, and ASK for things she wants. I'm not like that. If anybody, even my parents, asks me: "Mau apa?" "Mau makan apa?" "Mau hadiah apa?", my answer is always "TERSERAH, gw apa aja gapapa kok :)" well actually, honestly, deep down i always mau something but i duno why dun have the courage to say it out loud!!

    So when my mom asks, "Kamu mau ikut mereka pergi?" i know if i answer, "Iya, mau" pasti she would let me go.. tapi i answered her "Gapapa kok. Ga usah" (pdhal sbnrnya mau bngt pergi). All i know is that i feel ga enak gitu, karena my mom always allow me to do this and that the way i want it, so this time, if she doesnt want me to go to LA, although i know if i ask she would let me, i want to follow her this time and just do what she told me to. As expected few hours after we skype, she bbm me and said: "Kamu pergi aja ke LA. gapapa" and i felt bad, although mostly happy, i felt childish and spoilt.

     Di LA dan Vegas i sleep sama maminya Andree, karena ada 2 ranjang Nadya sama Sienny and me sama maminya Andree. Tante super kalem and very tenang and hangat to talk to, very different from my mom yang bawel, ceria, mau foto terus hehe. Whenever i talk to tante pagi2, (because me sama tante bangunnya selalu pagi) i feel happy because although i could see how different she is from my mom, she treats me and sienny and nadya and everybody else super baik. barang-barang yang kita taruh berantakan pasti tante bersihin. when kita semua mau anter maminya Andree, on the day his mom's supposed to fly back, I cried. I felt kangen with my family, with Dado Mami Papi. I remembered those times, uda 2x tiap kali mau pisah sama mereka pasti nangis. I remember wktu dulu masih tinggal di 313, dan lulu and nathania (my very first roommate beside lulu) lagi ke greja, My mom and dad balik ke Indo and i dun anter them ke airport. Mereka dijemput di leasing office and i say goodbye to them in front of the leasing office. All i know is that i cry and cry alone, no one to hold to at that time. jujur, waktu itu sedih bngt bngt bngt karena di rumah sendiri dan i really have no idea who to tell about this. 

    Now i feel sad because I think i need to be strong gituu, ga boleh dikit-dikit nangis. Now im worried gara2 my business exam yang waktu itu. I felt like crying, dun have the courage to check my score cus examnya bener2 super susah. I know me being berani to take it aja udah deadly decision bngt,,i dun want to disappoint my mom again. my math 1a uda dapet C gara2 MOSH. dan itu bener2 make me down and although my mom said that its okay, i believe she expect a higher result because she knows, and definitely sure of my capabilities that i can get A on his class, but she knows that i was lazy, and TAKUT because i heard dy kelasnya susah bngt, i become kleper2 gitu jadi males belajar. I know my mom has a really high expectation on me, i know she could see deep inside me. I know that she knows that im a kind of person yang slalu mau sukses di bnyk bidang. She knows that if i want something, i could easily dapetin itu dengan cara berusaha. she knows i can do whatever i want with my own ways, and she believed me. 

    Sedih bngt rasanya sekarang, confused. I want to get a bookstore job so that my mom bisa bangga her own daughter uda bisa cari duit loh,, and i want to get good scores, i dun even have the courage to buka my score, i dunt want another C. kalo dapet C gimana.. kalo A atau B amin. sedih dan takut bngt cuman bisa nangis doang. what to do what to do little diary. i dun tell this to any single person but only to you. tapi mesti kuatt vanii ga boleh rely on orang terus. u got to use your own strength:) kuat kuat kuat <3